


One Kind Of Pain

by ChristopherIAmToBe



Category: IRL - Fandom
Genre: Depression, Feelings, Gen, Heartache, Hurt/Comfort, Life Together, Life is beautiful, Life is hard, Love, Pain, Real Life, Support, authors have a heart, meaningful journeys
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-09-23 18:48:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17085728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChristopherIAmToBe/pseuds/ChristopherIAmToBe
Summary: This is a self-reflection of how I feel in life right now. If any of you who have read my stuff on Wattpad recall my book about Haze when we were together, you’ll know who he is. These are my secret feelings that I haven’t really told anyone about.This is real.I know some of you can relate, which is unfortunate. Just remember that there is always someone to turn to when you need a shoulder to cry on or a hand to hold. Find that person and get through it together. I’m lucky I have people like that and I will be that person to as many as I can.I am real and I am alive. I am pushing through this.Samantha might put in her own side later on.She’s helped me in so many ways. Ways I can’t even begin to describe. She’s amazing and so beautiful and special and she doesn’t even know.Please help support us in these tough times. I know you all will hold us up. We’ll hold you up, too.I would like you to follow my journey, and hopefully hers too, if you’d like. It is a long one as we all know and experience. It is one kind of pain.Thank you for everything you’ve done.





	1. December 13th, 2018  2:31 p.m.

So what's up with you lately? How have you been without me emailing you for two days? XD

 

I'm kind of bored right now, honestly.

 

I'm kind of lonely, too. I'm one of those people who really envy people in a relationship because I want to have what they have.

 

I want to be able to hold hands with someone in the hallway and I want to be able to kiss someone or hug them and it mean more than platonic love. I want to be able hang out with them and go on dates and other things like that. I want that so much that sometimes it hurts.

 

I know it's going to be almost impossible for me to find that, though. Nobody wants me. It hurts a lot sometimes when I think about it. I'm also missing being able to do that with Haze. I don't necessarily miss him, but I do miss the memories and all that. Maybe I do really miss him as well… I don’t know how to describe it anymore, really.

 

I miss riding in his truck and I miss him blasting music from one of his six CDs with his shitty speakers. I miss holding his hand and I miss hugging him and the indescribable feeling that I would get inside me, making me feel warm and happy. I miss being able to say "I love you." and I miss hearing his voice. I miss his hoodie and his smile. I miss what we had, which we can never have again. It isn't possible, because he doesn't want me in any way anymore. It hurts but time will take the pain away, or at least I would hope so.

 

I'm still praying that he'll one day talk to me again. That maybe he'll change his mind, but I know that isn't likely. Not for a very long time, at least. I think about him all the time and I try to keep myself busy so I don't think. I want to give him a Christmas gift but I have no idea if he'll take it. I don't even know if he'll like it, just because of the fact that it's from me.

 

I don't know what to do. I'm trying to give him time but I'm starting to get desperate. When I get to hold someone once, it takes much too long for me to let go. I don't want to let go. I can't make rational decisions and I end up falling into bad habits, which is definitely not good for me.

 

I try to act like I don't really care but I really do care. I don't know how to express my feelings without feeling like I'll make everything worse. I want to go and talk to him, but I've avoided it, kicking myself for even thinking of such an idea. I don't even know what I would say.

 

Another thing that doesn't help is that I've developed a fear of him, due to all this built up anxiety. Whenever I pass the band hall to go to my 4th period, I get an overwhelming feeling of fear and I can barely breathe. It's as if I can feel my heart beating quickly and I try to go as fast as I can to get away. I get that feeling every single time I see him and it won't go away. It makes me sick.

 

I try really hard not to feel this way but I can't just not feel this way. It takes time, I know, but I want things to happen on the dime sometimes. I hate myself so much sometimes because of all the ways I'm fucked up and all the times I have fucked up anything and everything. Even when I know something isn't my fault, I feel like it is and I sometimes try to hide my emotions from certain people. I don't want them to see how I feel because I don't want them to worry or fake caring about my emotional well-being.

 

I have friends but I don't have friends, if you get what I mean. It's not the case with all people, of course, but with too many, it has been. It's unfortunate, really. The few that I talk to on a daily basis (such as you) tell me all the time that I'm great and that anyone who can't see that is an idiot. It's easy to say something but even harder to believe it. I just can't help feeling like I'm much below everything everyone says I am.

 

I know if I'm told something enough times, I'll eventually believe it, but it's so easy to tear me down. I feel like I'm drowning in an ocean of confusion, sorrow, hurt, anxiety, and a lot of other negative emotions and I can't even see what's in front of me anymore. It has been rough, but I've somehow managed to muscle through it, which is good.

 

I don't know how to cope sometimes and it's difficult. I don't really know how to ask for advice, nor who would be good at giving me advice. I just don't know what to do anymore. I may have said that multiple times in this email, but I feel like if it is important, then it's going to be repeated.

 

I don't know anything. I just want to feel normal. Maybe I am asking you for advice, or maybe I'm just unloading all of my feelings to get it all out to somebody, but I was hoping you could say something that would make me feel at least a little bit better.

 

So, any words of wisdom?

 

P.S. I have a close friend named Samantha who’s in a similar situation. We’re trying to work through it together, but like I said, I don’t know.

 

Maybe you could help her too?

 

    ~Christopher


	2. December 14th, 2018 2:15 p.m.

I’ve been keeping a food log lately, to help me with my borderline anorexia. 

 

It’s something I’ve struggled with for a long time, as you’ve known. 

 

Thanks to Sam, though, I’m actually trying to eat 3 meals a day instead of only one. It’s been good for me and it’s been good for her as well, as she is keeping a food log, too. She is similar in struggling with the same thing. 

 

I should tell you something important, though. 

 

What happened between me and Haze, I wouldn’t change it. 

 

I wouldn’t change a single thing. 

 

Everything happens for a reason and it’s part of an unknown plan. 

 

I don’t know the future. Haze may come back, he may not. 

 

I wouldn’t change anything, even if it would keep Haze from being mad at me. 

 

I have crashed and burned, but I’m still learning. I don’t know everything and I never will. 

 

It makes the memories that much more precious and shows that I still take people for granted sometimes. 

 

I’ve forgotten that every moment and every breath is something to treasure for the rest of your life. 

 

The bad memories are just as important. I learn from them and hold them close to my heart. 

 

It was perfect and it was worth it, every second of having Haze in my life. 

 

I’ll continue living and I’ll do my best to move on. 

 

I’ve cried so much over this in secret and with Sam. I’ve asked multiple people for advice and it has all been the same. All I can do is wait, and if I have to wait forever, it’s alright with me. 

 

I have a fear of losing people.

 

I’ve lost many to either death or they just don’t want anything to do with me.

 

I’m no stranger to pain, physically and emotionally. It’s sad but true. 

I have no reason to force myself back into their lives. It would only cause more hurt and heartache. 

The best thing to do is to just let it be and let things happen naturally, which I’ll try. 

I know everything will be okay in time, though it make take much longer than I would like. 

If there’s anything you ever need, by the way, just let me know. I’ll be there for you, no matter what. 

~Christopher


End file.
